Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Jesus quits Jews, Signs with Romans -- Christmas Cancelled

Jerusalem (AP) - The itinerant preacher called Jesus, famed for turning water into wine and raising the dead these past three years, has quit the Jewish faith and signed with the Romans for 52 million pieces of silver. The move shocked both his Jewish followers and his Roman opponents.

J. Christ

Jesus's agent, Scott Judas, crowed about his victory over the Jews. "They weren't willing to pay my client what he was worth, but this new contract with the Romans will leave him a very wealthy man." Judas dismissed talk of Jesus's new position diminishing his star power. "Look, with the Romans he's part of a team; sure, the Jews worshipped Jesus, but you know they'd turn on him in a heartbeat if he failed to perform. Jerusalem is a tough town; the press crucifies anybody who doesn't measure up to their standards. John the Baptist couldn't wait to get out of here."

Agent Scott Judas

"It's a little hard to believe, but I'd rather have him on our side than against us," said Saul of Tarsus, a Jew who is a Roman citizen. "The last time he was in town he swept the moneylenders out of the temple," he added, "and boy, did that make my job tougher -- I'm a tax collector, you see."

As per the requirements of his new boss, Pontius Pilate, Jesus has cut his hair and shaved off his beard. A Jewish citizen, a Miss Mary Magdelene has seen the new-look Jesus and has described him as "cuter than I realized."

New Look

A reliable source in the Procurator's office who wished to remain anonymous stated that Pilate has big plans for his new employee. "I'v heard that Pilate wants to make him head of the Centurian Guard; that's a big responsibility, running the prisons, managing crucifixions. It's one big headache. He must have a lot of faith in him."


Jerusalem citizens were stunned. A tearful Simon Peter, a fisherman, said, "I just don't understand it; we would have worshipped him like a god, and now he abandons us. Was that a rooster that just crowed?"

Observers of the Israel/Rome rivalry forsee bad times ahead for the Jewish forces. "It's not good," remarked Peter of Gammons, of the Jerusalem Globe, "I forsee 86 years of plagues ahead of us."

Satan, reached at his undisclosed location, had no comment.



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